Chaos

Getting comfortable in the chaos.

This blog is most definitely my learning curve.  I have created it and made promises to be both responsible, and creative in my writing.  I wanted this blog to be authentic, I wanted to share things that I have learned, healed, and grown through on this journey I call life..  I want to have the courage to write about the things that are still at the core of my soul, those tender, vulnerable issues that are struggling to find a voice, an awareness, acknowledgement and forgiveness. 

I have always known that once I give up the resistance, the issue at hand is going to come to the surface for healing.  Sometimes it is a very easy process and other times it is chaotic to get through.  I guess it's my choice as to which experience I am willing to have.  I wish I could say with all honesty that I have evolved enough to choose the easy path every time but the truth is  ~  I don't always know how to let go of my stuff .  Or maybe a more honest answer is that I'm not always ready to acknowledge my stuff.  I'm still struggling with judgement. Most of my life I have been afraid of judgement , afraid of what others are going to say or think about my decisions. It literally has delayed me from becoming who I am meant to be.  The funny thing about judging someone else is that whatever you see in them is a part of you that sees itself.  I've finally realized why I resonate with feeling judged all the time.  The fact is I'm NOT judged by others it's my perception.

 I make this statement quite often about life  "we teach what we most have to learn".............  It seems this subject (judgement) has come up quite often in my conversations here lately and I have come to realize why I am uncomfortable with the topic.  I had come to the conclusion that I no longer judged people on their big issues.  So I was priding myself in being a bigger person.  It is as if God has put an amplifier on me and every time I hear myself speak of someone in an unloving way, the alarms start ringing loudly in my head, to STOP.

I'm not perfect nor do I ever expect to be,  but I am in hopes of always becoming a kinder and more loving person.  I started really beating myself up these past few days when the awareness of my actions became so clear to me.  And then I decided to just set back and become comfortable in the chaos of learning and acknowledging some truths about myself.  It wasn't pretty but it was enlightening.  Looking the truth in the face is sometimes difficult but always freeing.  I can only do better as I know better, as Maya Angelou would say.

Everything we attempt in our lives wont be perfect, we wont always have all the answers,   But it's the

LEAP OF  FAITH.........

that trust that when we do put forth effort, things wont always turn out the way we want them to, they will work out better than we could imagine.

So here is to a  more  ~  LOVING, KINDER and forever EVOLVING, TINA